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the indie mary jane

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i never did this "right" anyway [25 Nov 2010|06:52pm]
i forget that other people take action.
i forget that i CAN search.
i forget that I can seek our knowledge.
i want to learn to discern.
i like comics.
he loves me and we're not forever.
but its gonna be good.
sleep is good.
i'm worried i'm going to be sad till holiday is over.
i dont have money to spend.
i dont want to spend.
I really want to shop tomorrow.
oooooo lol.

one cigarette left.
daddy bought me black irish beer.

yeah, movies and sleeeeeeep.

bye, guys. i already know about me.
i wanna know about other things.
and i smiled

bollocks [11 Dec 2009|04:22am]

wrong journal.
and i smiled

[09 Jul 2009|08:08pm]
i wrote a poem that wont post properly that i'm kind of proud of of which i'm slightly proud.

i want to go and have two beers. just two. not whiskey. not gin. I dont know how i got so drunk so fast.
i want to stop smoking.

For who would bear the whips and scorns of time,
The oppressor's wrong, the proud man's contumely,
The pangs of despised love, the law's delay,
The insolence of office and the spurns
That patient merit of the unworthy takes,
When he himself might his quietus make
With a bare bodkin? who would fardels bear,
To grunt and sweat under a weary life,
But that the dread of something
after death,
The undiscover'd country from whose bourn
No traveller returns, puzzles the will
And makes us rather bear those ills we have
Than fly to others that we know not of?
Thus conscience does make cowards of us all;
And thus the native hue of resolution
Is sicklied o'er with the pale cast of thought,
And enterprises of great pitch and moment
With this regard their currents turn awry,
And lose the name of action

i dont know what to believe who to believe how to believe
i want hope and faith and a sure thing
i want to stop feeling like i have to be something for everyone like people need something from me
what am i? i thought i had nothing left to give, and am now nothing deserving attention.


i pass this off into the void, as everyone around me is just as bad off, or has things to do, or doesn't get it.

Angelus: Now that's everything, huh? No weapons... No friends...No hope. Take all that away... and what's left?
Buffy: Me.
and i smiled

perserverance, I suppose. Perserverance and Love. [05 May 2009|01:27am]
the major point of the last year has been to make new mistakes.
I think i have done that. I am now terribly awkward in social situations and my hair is almost ridiculous (tho I do like the color), i have facets i am exploring (feeling like a fake all along) but I am going.
I was annoyed about ini. she wasn't getting back to me. Well it turns out that's becuase she's working 13 hours days. Granted, i get to stay for free but I don't want the idea in my head that I am staying with someone and that someone will not be there. Or will be tired.
I've been looking at hotels all day. Hotels near hyde park to get me centered and calm. Nothing to worry about besides food. Sitting here in my kitchen i think it's a brilliant idea, just to get away. But for three days? Do I need that much time? even if I didnt she more than likely doesn't have the time to come up here. and her mum gets in thursday. I dont like the idea that at the end of our time together i'm getting pushed out.
and what is this anyway? she says she can't wait to hear about my life, but i'm living it and very much not a fan. I dont really talk unless it's to amuse myself and luckily it amuses the people around me. I'm an american in retail getting my life together slowly and she's a german in a british doctorate program.
i feel little and useless like even if she does love me, she shouldn't. I feel like i want to see her, but everything is on her terms. like there are bits of me she doesn't know and wont.
or i'm twisting everything to make it easier to cut her out becuase she's a part of my old life. I still dont know how i feel about my old life. "is it funny yet" "am I strong enough not to fall into old patterns" "are my standards to high" but i know these rules i'm placing on myself are not only because it really is a path to that which i wish to be (i think) i mean it's like i'm listening to myself and what I want and how i've been hurt in the past. I want all new things now. I mean, the glorious thing is i'm always going to be me, the core of me, the things i love about myself i will cultivate and then things i find slightly abhorrent, i work on. it's fine.
but i LOVED her.

and the thing is, i remember how i loved her. I remember being happy and not knowing why and I remember theg ames of flirting with guys to hurt each other and saying stupid things, but also the names we gave each other.
she's in the middle of her doctorate, i'm in the middle of a who am i crisis, this is not a good time.

what the fuck is so good about bristol anyway?
do I want to stay in bristol for the 5 hours I get to see her? just so she can leave me every morning and hurry me out when her mother comes?
i really hate that part. I dont understand it.

i totally know. but i'm not ok with it yet and I don't know how to say it to her.
or if i should make the cd.

i suppose i should end with the concept of samantha jones; I love you, but I love me more.
maybe one day she'll come visit me in New York. And in 5 years we'll go to london. or Mexico. (when it's like WAY better than with all the shit going down now)

every time she contacts me I have to say good bye again.
this getting tronger thing?
i'm not a fan.

it's like tattoos.
i love having them, hate getting them.
isn't that the way of it.
and i smiled

tattoos [07 Apr 2009|12:45am]
a ship with a large anchor - probably the jolly roger from Peter Pan
"death before dishonor"
"argue for your limitations, they become yours"
three stars

quand, mon dieu, quand? quelle heure?
j'accept , heh, rien.
la musique me nourrit
and i smiled

[24 Mar 2009|12:01am]
so I'm a bad bad bad girl.
i found an old diary of my mum's - 1991. There is some really horrible shit in here. My mom has had a hard fucking life and she cares so much and she tried so hard but her battle was terrible and uphill in the rain with those orc things.
on one level i blame her for her decisions. but on an adult real level I feel so much closer toher now., reading her thoughts and seeing she's not as out of it as I thought(at least she wasn't then). It's bringing back memories that fucking SUCK.
all I can think of is "silent legacy" by melissa etheridge
I can't find a video where she's not chatting about being gay for like an entire minute (which feels like forever) but ti's good shit. I wish it was around when my mum was young.
sorry. somehow i got on the view which led to obama.
it is a time for change. and not forgetting, but not holding onto the past. He inspires me and comforts me and encourages me so much. We all know that this is a big mess and he walks forward and takes it a step at a time. They say when the student is ready the teacher appears. We're not buds and I doubt i'll ever meet the man, but to see it and read about it and hear it...it's wonderful.
maybe I'll spend the day with my mum tomorrow. I think that would be nice.
and i smiled

[19 Mar 2009|11:09pm]
i am not dead.
and i smiled

3.1415926535897932384626433832795028841971693993751058209749445923078164062862089986280 [14 Mar 2009|05:40pm]
i am lonely and exhausted.
jersey boys was ok. maybe my bitchy mood lost it points. poor show, you can have those points back.
the frankie guy was good, the tommy guy got on my nerves, the piano guy made me happy and the bass reminded me of jason spencer.

the parade sucked. Its wierd being by yourself in a green wig in a sea of drunken people.

It's pi day people. dont forget.

reminder to me:"too good to be true" for ini's cd
-buy recordable cds.

have fun and wear orange. go protestants!
2 of you took a picture| and i smiled

[10 Mar 2009|01:46am]
i been really angry lately and i'm sorry.
and i dont think its over yet.


and i smiled

really? to me? [03 Mar 2009|12:57am]
18 year old Filipina high schooler hitting on me
how do I tell her no
and do i really have to
2 of you took a picture| and i smiled

[26 Feb 2009|07:33pm]
anybody else just a little fed up with the vampire thing?
3 of you took a picture| and i smiled

everything changed. [24 Feb 2009|10:18pm]
I found old pictures while clearing out the spare room. I'll post them on facebook, i'm sure.
The cats are gone which is relieving and sad.

the third thing i wont say

i want to go to the drive in. :(
and i smiled

we like to party. we like we like ...dear god. [22 Feb 2009|10:45pm]
Friday. Saw my grandfather. opened my heart to him a little bit. Drove 80 to buffalo and got there in about an hour.
the drinking, the smoking, the fucking.
I know I had a good time and that i was around empassioned people who are strong. I felt loved. I saw love. I held my own.
Drove 90 all the way back to rochester, still a little fucked up, to get dressed and haul ass to work. Forgot my phone and had a really fun day. Probably a mix of the anti-anx pills, and booze and lack of sleep, but a good day is a good day. I was riding a zen wave.
Came home to bullshit on my cell phone. Fuckers.
Finally aorted all that (oi) and picked her up to go out.
If you dont want to go out, respectfully decline, dont go and then be pissy, or slutty, or rude. or all three. all three is crap.
And so this girl sang Mary J's "no more drama"
not 5 minutes later girls were fighting. This one girl was bleeding out her nose and some cute girl got hit in the face becuase she was satanding behind someone who ducked. I felt real bad for her.
Major fighting. THought maybe someone stole my coat.
but they didn't!! yay!
oh, i can't say thank you. fine. fuck you. Go play pool with some bitches.
Dance party. booze.
lots of booze.
and frustration.
and then diner food and a very hard drive i almost fell asleep during. Hope it was almost and not just remembering waking up.

I'm finding good people tho. That's nice.
Real nice.

looking forward to staying in.

and love to Heath's family.
1 of you took a picture| and i smiled

because if no one else is going to say it to me, i'll say it to me. [17 Feb 2009|08:27pm]

Martini: L'amore e cieco.

Frances: Oh, love is blind. Yeah, we have that saying too.

Martini: Everybody has that saying because it's true everywhere.

Frances: I don't want to be blind anymore.This house has three bedrooms. What if there's never anyone to sleep in them? And the kitchen, what if there's
never anyone to cook for? I wake up in the night thinking, "You idiot. I mean, you're the stupidest woman in the world. You bought a house for a life you don't even have."

Martini: Why did you do it, then?

Frances: Because I'm sick of being afraid all the time and because I still want things. I want a wedding in this house, and I want a family
in this house.

Martini: Signora, between Austria and Italy, there is a section of the Alps called the Semmering. It is an impossibly steep, very high part of the mountains. They built a train track over these Alps to connect Vienna and Venice. They built these tracks before there was a train in existence that could make the trip. They built it because they knew
someday the train would come.

step one 1.02:
L word came in the mail :)
and i smiled

step 1.01 [16 Feb 2009|01:04am]
half priced chocolate day!

got through work.

didn't kick my ass over three non-thought out comments

SNL with beautiful woman
SNL with beautiful half naked woman
SNL cockblocking me with the laughing.

8 hours of sleep

a breakfast with no fighting.
family errands


finding and cooking a new recipe successfully
and i smiled

seethe(verb): [06 Feb 2009|09:11pm]
you know what would be kind of sick(pos)? a niche.
and the real bitch of it is i KNOW i'm rushing it. Dammit.
I know that any action right know is kinda of a wrong action, but iw ant action ai dont feel like being at peace. I don't feel like being zen and accepting the flow of the world! BLARG.
yeah, blarg.

So Teri wanted to go homo dancing and i tried to set up an outing actually not getting any response from a few people which peeved the fuck out of me, an then due to major drama teri couldnt go. then another person. then another. then another. Then it's supposed to be me and katie. and now her phone is off. and i know it doesn't really matter, but people are de-tagging photos on my facebook.
i know pariah is too strong of a word - at least i hope it is, but EW.
and yes, i repeat BLARG!!

So, fine. Whatever. FINE.
and i smiled

Writer's Block: Cookies [05 Feb 2009|02:19am]
What is the strangest advice you've ever received from a fortune cookie?

Two days ago actually i got chinese for the first time in a long while (oh my GOSh does that stuff make you gassy!) and i had a mai tai which i'd never had and i LOVED it. we should have a mai tai night.
but my fortune cookie was "your view never changes if you're not lead dog" and that just seemed a bit shit. I was like "oh, a tee shirt. they are scraping the barrel on these"
but maybe it means in regards to ones own life. one should be the leader of their own life. which makes it fitting.
i've been having wierd thoughts about how it's odd to invite a person over with the intent to put damaging chemicals in their body. I mean, that's what a party scene is, right? maybe i'm old and jaded, but i dont get it. but i keep doing it. and i never wake up as lead dog.

I'm making a cd to send to a girl i dont really know anymore. I'm sending it to the girl I loved, in case she's still around. but then is the girl that loves her still around? bob dylan wasn't lyin' about these times.

my face exploded but my hair looks cute.
thanks for the moments
and i smiled

two things [01 Feb 2009|11:21pm]
1. wed/thurs the cinema double feature is twilight/seven pounds
there is a chance i can't go, but when i'm objective, i will be there. Join me.

2. where are the best sex toys? (local, non-local, online)
11 of you took a picture| and i smiled

[26 Dec 2008|02:42pm]
i need to stop shopping on amazon.
stupid impulse buying in my pjs.

in related news, little mermaid trilogy sleep over party?


you CAN return items.
and i smiled

chrismas on the radio [25 Dec 2008|12:48am]
i want to learn how to sign "do you hear what i hear"
and i want someone else who either 1. is deaf or 2. knows how to sign to sign back "no."
so then i can sign "can you hear me now? no? good. deaf power!"

i've been cooking all day.

love, my christian/coporatechristian friends.
love, my jews and those who are only jew-ish.
love to the pagans and the athiests.
love to you, fellow humans, and may you chose to be excellent to each other.

and i smiled

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